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Funny Church Bulletins

This was too good not to pass along.

 

They’re Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services…

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I Will Not Pass This Way Again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: ‘Break Forth Into Joy.’
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will
be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – Prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in
the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at
10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday
at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : ‘I Upped My Pledge…Up Yours’

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We received this this morning from our friends overseas on the eve of one of the biggest weekends of the year.

Happy Easter!

Today might be Friday ….but Sunday is coming! Wherever believers are around the world this 3-day weekend holds a special and powerful reminder of what Christ did on the cross. Many of us will spend time with family, visiting friends, and gathering together with others who are in the body of Christ.

Yesterday we received news from the Islands that a husband & wife friends of ours were put into prison. The charge? They led a 28 year old man to the cross of Christ. The young man believed in the death & resurrection of Jesus and became part of the wider body of Christ. The young man’s father heard of this and became very angry and began to go around riling up other older men in their area of town. The police were brought onto the scene, and yesterday morning the police came to the home of our Island friends took them both and the young man to the police station. The police eventually released the mom to go home and care for her kids until this morning but the husband and the young man are still in prison.

So what if the police showed up at your front door a few days before Easter? What might they “charge” you with?

Just before they took the husband and wife to prison they allowed her to say a few words to their kids.
What would you say to your family if the police were waiting to take you to prison?

This is what they told their 3 kids….. “Don’t be afraid. Remember that God is with you. If I am beaten or even killed for my faith, that is not a bad thing. Hold strong in your beliefs and God will help you through.” We know that the Word is often spread through persecution. Please pray that they would have the strength and courage for what lies ahead.

We want to encourage you to watch this video as you prepare for Easter & consider the cost to be part of the wider body of Christ.
(be sure to turn up the volume on your computer)

How Beautiful is the Passion of Christ – YouTube

Over the last weekend, I had the opportunity to spend time with my biological family for my biological mother’s wedding.  I got to spend a lot of time with all of the relatives from that whole side of the family.  Yes, we have known each other for the last 18 years, but this was my first time that I was able to spend any extended time with them.  It was a weekend full of questions and got me thinking about how I have been blessed.

I was asked what my parents were like, how I was raised, and I got to tell a better part of my story and what my parents were like.  I was also able to talk about how I knew I was adopted, how I found my biological family, etc. as I was meeting new members of that family.  It was fun reliving the whole experience from 18 years ago this January.

The one thing that really stood out from all of the conversations is that I have the best of two worlds.  I have two families that love me.  From the biological side, I had a mother who gave me life and realized that she wouldn’t be able to raise me the way that she wanted.  There were different avenues looked at before making the big decision of putting me up for adoption.  It was by far the hardest decision any young girl would have to make.  She went through a lot of trials going through the pregnancy, but she went through with it.  She had a couple of minutes with me before the nurses took me away when she said to me, “we will meet again.”

I was then presented to my parents.  They have been the best parents in the world.  They raised me in a great home and I have a great family as a result of them in how they raised me.  They had me from a couple of days old and will always be my parents.  They were there through thick and thin, at my hospital bed, there in any kind of problem known to man.  They were mom and dad.  I have a whole family with tons of cousins with kids that have been great.  Aunts and uncles have been there.  Grandparents were there and loved me just like I was mom and dad’s true blood born child.  We may not have the same blood, but they are mom and dad.

Then I have a whole other family.  I have been fortunate enough to have a great relationship with them.  We have never spoken of lines that shouldn’t be crossed.  It has always been an unspoken line that we all know.  They know that I have my family, and respect that 100%.  We don’t do holidays, or presents.  My kids don’t call Michele ‘grandma.’  But, they still love me and the family just like their own.  I know that they pray for me as any parent would.  It has been a blessing to be embraced by all of the relatives on that side of the family.  All of the cousins know my story and I know a lot of theirs and still learn more as I have spent time with them over the weekend.  I am welcomed in their family as one of their own just like I have been there for 37 years even though I have only been involved with them for 18 years.

Not many people even have one family that is solid.  I am fortunate enough to have two families.  I am loved by both, and I do love them both.  Mom and dad  will always be mom and dad.  Michele and John (unfortunately not with us anymore) gave me life and I am so lucky to have that.  I am lucky to have two different families which I love.  I am truly blessed.

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Nana

Just a short list of what Nanas do:

Nana would make a cheese quasadilla for you and just sit at the table and chat with you.

Nana would let you come over to the house and help you do your laundry for you while in school.

Nana would make the best Christmas cookies ever, especially ginger bread men.

Nana would let you stay at the house when you get kicked off campus for a week and not tell mom and dad.

Nana would let you through a party at the house when mom and dad are out of town and not say a word.

Nana would teach you how to play Liverpool Rummy and play for hours on end with you.

Nana would make shortbread just for the heck of it, even when she is sick.

Nana would knit and knit until there is no more yarn to be knitted.

Nana would make the best turkey dinners at Thanksgiving, and let the older kids sit at the ‘adult table.’

Nana would keep any secret for you when you want to talk.

Nana would tell love stories from the war and how she met Papa and just smile and laugh about it.

Nana would stand the love of her life up on their first date and stay committed to him until ‘death due us part.’

Nana would help out as much as possible when you go face first into the coffee table.

Nana would always be there just to talk and hang out.

Nana would love her grand-kids and great grand-kids like her own and send cards out for every birthday and not miss one.

Nana would just hold your hand in her last days knowing that you are there.

You will be missed Nana.

Fill ‘R Up

Yesterday, I got word that I needed a blood transfusion. Here I lay in the hospital bed today just thinking about my fill up (what I call my blood transfusions) and how that can relate to our walk with God.

Matthew 5:6 says “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.” Every once in a while, we not only need a fill up physically if we are sick, but we need a spiritual fill up too. We can’t make that once a week fill up like our vehicles, but we have to make it a daily fill up. We have to crave and want more and more of what He has to offer to us. We have to listen to what He says through His Word and act on it. Don’t wait, just do it. Be filled with His Word.

Singing to Him

I have been singing since high school.  I was involved with worship team for quite sometime.  In a church change, I haven’t been able to lead worship like I loved for the last 7 months.  That is all to change this Sunday and I can’t wait.  It seems like ages since I have been on the platform leading. 

In doing a little studying, God calls us to sing to him.  It doesn’t matter how good you are or how bad you are.  It is all music in His ears and he loves it.  I just did a search of ‘singing’ and ir brought up 125 verses.  Most of them, He is telling us to sing.  He tells us in Ps. 105:2 and 1 Chron. 16:9 to ‘Sing to Him, sing praise to Him; tell of all His wonderful acts.’  This is an act of worship that we are commanded to do.

God also tells us in Ps. 98:5 to not only sing, but to play also.  He tells us to ‘make music to the Lord with the harp, with the harp and the sound of singing.’ 

It seems when we are down, people will turn to prayer.  Well, guess what?  He tells us to sing too!  Ps. 59:16 says ‘But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.’  I know that I will turn on praise and worship music in times of trial and it lifts my spirits up. 

Here is one of the songs we are singing this weekend to end this on and hopefully this will lift your spirits if you are down.

What’s Your Ripple?

The other day, I was ‘cleaning’ out my Bible and there was a smooth stone in the cover. It made me think back to a message that I heard several years ago.

The stone was perfect in every sense. It was perfectly round, smooth as glass, and had now flaws in it. The message was when you throw a stone in a lake, there are perfect circles that go out from the point of entry. The splash of the stone are the things that you are doing in your life that affect others. The ripples that are a result of the stone splashing in are who you are affecting in your life.

As I reflect on the last week of helping a homeless friend out of a river before he died is the splash. We have built a relationship with Drew over the last year and a half. He would be the first to admit he has had problems with alcohol. We found him in the river Monday night and were able to be a part of saving his life. Through this, our ripple effect has been that he needs help and is going to try to make some changes.

This is just one of the splashes and ripples that I have made in my life. I know that there are a lot more, but this one stands out the most since it is the most recent.

Matthew 28:19-20 says “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Are you ‘going’ and making your ripple?

You can read about the ripple from this week at http://www.sosfortwayne.com.